One
1. As
you grow, my child, you are becoming a person. I hope you will become your own
person.[i]
[ii]
2. When
you were little, you relied entirely on us for your life and learning.
3. As you get older, I want you to learn to think for
yourself, to support yourself, to become self-reliant, to spend your life doing
something that benefits mankind, and something that you enjoy, deeply enjoy,
doing.
4. Many,
if not most, people never get there. They spend their lives doing what other
people have told them to do and something they don’t enjoy doing.
5. In
this lies a vast waste of human potential.
6. According
to the law, you will become an adult at a certain age. This might be 12 or 15 or 18 or 21 depending on where you live.
7. In
my view, you will become an adult only when, only if, you are able to see, understand, and manage the genetic gifts and the VABEs that your parents gave you. If you never get
there, you will be just a shell, a vessel, transmitting the genes and the VABEs of the last generation on to the
next.
8. If
you do get there, you will become truly your own
person. You will be able to assess
your parents’ good points and bad points. You will be able to assess the functionality
and truthfulness of what they taught you, whether by precept or example.
9. To
become yourself, my child, requires determination, wisdom, and courage.
10. To
become a simple vessel, a conduit, a pipe from the past to the future, requires
only that you accept and live comfortably
in what you were taught as a small child.
Two
1. You
learned where you came from in the book of
Mating.
2. As
you became aware of yourself and began to relate to the outside world, you
developed a sense of having a place in the world—or not.
3. As
a child grows, it begins to be aware of itself. Maybe the baby bites its finger
and learns that “I am here, and that hurt!”
4. To
know that “I am here” is a big thing. We learn to make a distinction between
ourselves and other people. And we develop VABEs about who we are.
5. We
develop beliefs about who we should be. Most of these come from our parents and
the culture into which we were born.
6. The
sum of the beliefs we have about who we should be, we call our ideal self.
7. Some
of these VABEs are
functional, and some can be dysfunctional.
8. If
we believe we can learn and grow and reach our goals, these VABEs are functional; they help us to live and
succeed in the world.
9. If
we believe that we know better than anyone else and that we should be in control
of everyone else, this VABE can make us behave in dysfunctional ways.
10. Humans
can observe themselves as well as other people. Not everyone is good at this,
but most people can watch themselves as they behave. We can see ourselves
succeeding or failing at things we try. We hear ourselves speaking. We are
aware of what we are thinking. And we often compare ourselves with others. We
notice if we win a race or come in
second or last. We notice when our marks come back in school.
11. What
we see ourselves do or think, we call our self-image.
12. Then,
my child, we compare our ideal self with
our self-image, and we make judgments
about ourselves.[iii] [iv]
13. If
we conclude that we are doing and thinking what we should be doing and thinking, we will feel good about ourselves. If
we conclude that we are not doing what we should be or are not thinking what we
should be, we may feel bad about ourselves.
14. Some
people think very highly of themselves. Some people think very poorly of
themselves. Some people like themselves; other people don’t like themselves.
Elements of the Self-Concept
Source:
author
15. What
people think of themselves we call our self-esteem.[v]
16. And
everyone, my child, wants to think well of themselves.
17. We
all try very hard to judge ourselves well. Scientists have studied this a lot.
18. In
general, when we fail, we tend to blame something other than ourselves, and
when we succeed, we tend to think it was all about us and not surrounding
factors.
19. Your
mother and I want you to have a strong self-concept. We want you to believe in
yourself, in what you can do, in what you can learn, and that you can succeed
in life.
20. We
want you to be honest with yourself, as you remember from our family
values, and then to believe in yourself that you can learn and do most of what
you may want to do in life.
21. We
try to help you feel good about yourself. And to know that whatever you now
cannot do, if you do your homework, if you try and persist, you
can learn to do it. It just depends on
how much you want it.
Three
1. One
of the most important parts of becoming yourself is being self-aware.[vi]
2. Self-awareness means that you see yourself not just
from your perspective, but also as other people see you.
3. Many
people do not know or care about how other people see them. These people are
not likely to learn to adapt to the world around them.
4. There
are at least four ways we can think about your self-awareness, my child.
5. The
things other people see and that we also see and agree on we could call public
or agreed perceptions.
6. The
things we know about ourselves but that we don’t share with others, we could call our secrets or our
private information. These secrets are the Level Two conscious thoughts that we are aware of but that
we choose not to tell or show others.
7. There
may also be things that neither we nor others see or understand. Since we don’t
know about them, we cannot describe them.
8. Then,
there are the things that other people see in us that we don’t see in
ourselves. We could call these our blind
spots.[vii]
9. Blind
spots can be functional or dysfunctional. If we talk too much, and others don’t
like that and therefore shun us, but we don’t see that, that would be
dysfunctional.
10. If
other people see us as being powerfully influential, but we don’t see that this can be a functional thing.
11. Understand,
my child, that too much or too little of a thing can both be bad. An ancient
Greek Wise Man, Aristotle, taught this principle, moderation.
12. If
a person is too aware of what other people think of them, they might become
overly shy and retiring.
13. If
a person is totally unaware of what other people think of them, they might
become a bully or very self-centered.
14. I
encourage you, my child, to be aware of yourself and how other people see you.
Only then can you decide how or if you want to change your behavior.[viii]
Four
1. When
we think about what others think of us, my child, and change our behavior to fit their expectations, we are
living outside-in;
that is, we are conforming to the desires of others.
2. When
we think about what we want and try to make that happen, we are living
inside-out.
3. People
who live mostly outside-in will spend their lives obeying others. They
will not change the world. They become the followers, the
soldiers, the workers, the sheep in other people’s herds.
4. People
who live too much inside-out become the dictators, the conquerors, the
bullies, the bosses, the powerful in the world. They get what they want until
and unless their followers rebel against them.
5. How
much of your life do you want to live inside-out versus outside-in, my child?
Living Outside-In or Inside-Out
Source: author
6. When
you were a baby, you had to live totally outside-in because you didn’t have any ability to care
for yourself. This is true of most kinds
of babies in the world. Baby horses and elephants can stand and walk very soon
after they are born. Newly hatched octopuses, on the other hand, are one of the
few kinds of babies that have to fend for themselves because their mothers die
when they hatch.
7. We
humans, though, must take care of our babies,
or they will die. So we become aware of ourselves as being completely
dependent, living completely outside-in.
8. The
challenge, then my child, is to learn to have confidence in your own thoughts, behavior, skills, and dreams so
that you can learn to live appropriately inside-out.
9. Some
people get this in their early teens. Some people get this in their twenties.
Some people never get this; they rely on others for their direction throughout
their lives.
Five
1. Our
VABEs are a definition of who we are, at least
consciously if not chemically.
2. The
sum of your VABEs defines
your personality.
3. One
person steals from another, while another person gives to another.
4. One
person seeks to find the good in others, while another person always sees the
bad.
5. One
person likes to learn, while another detests
studying.
6. One
person smiles, while another frowns.
7. One
person works hard, while another is lazy.
8. One
person thinks of self first, while another thinks of others first.
9. One
person walks in front, while another walks behind.
10. One
person cleans, while another lives in filth.
11. One
person likes to read, while another prefers to sit and gaze.
12. One
person likes to meet people, while another hangs back.
13. One
person is cruel, while another is kind.
14. One
person seeks revenge, while another forgives and moves on.
15. All
of these behaviors, my child, are based on our VABEs—our values, assumptions,
beliefs, and expectations—about the way the world is or should be.
16. How
you respond to what happens around you
depends largely on your VABEs.
17. What
do you value in life?
18. What
do you assume to be the right way to do things?
19. What
do you believe to be true?
20. What
do you expect of yourself, others, and the world around you?
21. I
have tried to teach and model my VABEs to you. In fact, I can do no other thing nor
can any parent. We all behave our underlying VABEs.
22. Sometimes
people espouse or teach one VABE while they behave another. This is a blind spot for them.
23. For
example, people may say “you should be honest” and then cheat in their
business.
24. People
may say “be kind” and then never give anything to the poor.
25. People
may say “you should listen” and then interrupt you.
26. People
may say “work hard” and then go home early.
27. Be
aware, my child. Watch for how well people do what they say. Do they walk their
talk?
28. And
be aware my child—do you do what you say?
29. And
be aware, my child, that because many people do not do what they say, you
should not expect that everyone will be honest and truthful with you.
30. Let
go of the VABE that “everyone will tell me the truth.” Be wise and watch. Does
their behavior match their talking?
31. People
express their true VABEs with their
Level One behavior. Can you see their underlying VABEs?
Six
1. What
are your VABEs, my child? Be aware of them, because they define
you.
2. I
have tried to be aware of my VABEs. For many years, I was not. I
simply lived believing that what I was taught
was correct. Then I learned that many of the things I was taught were not correct or healthy or functional.
3. Over
the years, and now, you can see, I am getting old, I have tried to be clear
about my VABEs and to
live them with more integrity.
4. Integrity
means that you are who you say you are.
5. It
means you walk your talk.
6. So,
here’s what I value, assume, believe, and expect, my child. As best as I can
see.
7. I
value truthfulness.
8. I
value understanding how things really are. That’s why I wrote this book
for you.
9. I
value honest friendships in which people will explain to
you what they believe and not criticize you for what you believe.
10. I
value true and honest friendships more than family relationships.
Blood is no guarantee of good character, although every parent hopes it will be.
Many people value family above all else—regardless of the character of their
family members.
11. I
value learning.
12. I
value freedom, freedom of speech, freedom of travel, freedom of non-invasive religion.
13. I
value productivity, doing something of value to the world.
14. I
value cleanliness.
15. I
value good health and exercise.
16. I
value choice.
17. I
value kindness.
18. I
value respect for community property and spaces.
19. I
value efficiency, doing things without waste.
20. I
value enjoying what I do and how I do it.
21. What
do you value, my child? Can you tell me?
Seven
1. I
assume, my child, that the truth is more valuable than mythology or false security.
2. After
a long and hard journey, I have come to assume that science is a better descriptor of reality than is religion.
I did not always assume this.
3. I
assume that anything of quality requires effort. If you don’t exercise your mind and body, they will atrophy and
decay.
4. I
assume that people will ultimately reveal their underlying VABEs in their visible behavior.
5. I
assume because research has shown, that
everyone wants to think well of themselves.[ix]
6. I
assume that people tend to focus on their own
views of the world.
7. I
assume that all living things need rest.
8. I
assume that there will always be people in the world who will want to control
you and extract from you and society. I call this evil.
9. What
do you assume, my child? Can you tell me?
Eight
1. I
believe, my child, that the scientific evidence collected by trained researchers from all over
the world is a better descriptor of reality than is religious mythology.
2. I
believe that many, perhaps most, people want to take as much as they can from
you.
3. I
believe that there was no creator of the universe and that there is no one, no person, no force
in the universe that is watching us or caring for us. I did not always believe
this. In fact, I used to believe just the opposite.
4. I
don’t believe that any sentient (thinking), all-powerful, loving heavenly
father would allow schizophrenia or spina bifida or cleft palates in the world.
5. I
don’t believe that mankind needs saving from any original sin. We may, however,
need saving from our thoughtless consumption and destruction of the Earth’s resources, the air, the
water, the wildlife, the plant life, and the weather. But no god will save us in these things. I believe we
need to take responsibility for our world, the surroundings that we have created, and save ourselves.
6. I
believe that the world is naturally evolved and not created by some sentient
being.
7. I
believe that people can and do choose to do good even without a guiding
religion. Religion is not necessary for “moral” behavior and doing good. In
fact, religion creates more immoral behavior.
8. I
believe that religions have been the source of vast amounts of cruelty, suffering, pain, death, and
deception in the world.
9. I
believe that unconditional love, the willingness to accept
people as they are, is very rare. Most people want to change others to fit their expectations.
10. I
believe that when we die, all of us dies, and our bodies simply decay back into
the Earth. Whatever degree of
awareness, of consciousness, of spirit, of connection we develop in our lives,
disappears at our death.
11. I
have come to believe that religions, ancient and modern, can be good or evil. I
have come to believe that what religions teach about gods is false.
12. I
believe that we can find or create purpose in life without religion. It’s actually easy.
13. I
believe that people should strive to be self-reliant and not rely on society to
take care of them.[x]
14. I
believe that people should accept the consequences of their behavior.
15. I
believe that societies should care for those who are legitimately unable to care for themselves.
16. I
don’t believe that life at any cost is better than dying.
17. I
believe that people should be free to do what they want in their homes so long
as it doesn’t harm others.
18. I
believe that people with the addictive gene should work to focus on natural
highs and avoid counterfeit highs like alcohol and drugs that can destroy their
lives.
19. I
believe that international business people have a greater chance of “saving the
world” than the political and religious leaders. This is because business people will tolerate other people’s
beliefs for the sake of trading and doing
commerce. Religious and political leaders are
not so tolerant.
20. I
believe we should focus more on how all humans are alike and how each individual is unique and less on all of
the differences of race, ethnicity, religion, language, and geography
than we now do.
21. What
do you believe, my child? Can you tell me?
Nine
1. I
expect people to strive, to work, to be self-reliant.
2. I
expect that people should respect other people’s life, property, and efforts so
long as they don’t impose them on others.
3. I
expect that people who rob, assault, or kill others should be removed from society.
4. I
expect people to live and let live.
5. I
expect people in positions of authority to be honest and not corrupt. In this, I am often, most often, disappointed.
6. I
expect people in authority to care for the people they rule over. Mostly, they
don’t.
7. I
expect people who have children to take care of them, be kind to them, not
abuse them, and teach them to be functional citizens in society. Far too many
don’t.
8. I
expect people to obey democratically developed laws.
9. I
expect people to try to improve themselves.
10. I
expect people to keep their promises—and not to make promises they won’t or
cannot keep.
11. I
expect to be free and able use my life and time in the pursuits of the purpose
I have created for my life.
12. What
do you expect, my child? Can you tell me?
Ten
1. One
of the things you will need to choose in life, my child, is what kind of career
you want to have. By “career” I mean what your path in life will be.
2. Two
social scientists have identified four commonly and naturally occurring career
patterns. They called these Career
Concepts.
All of them are chosen by the people who follow them, so they are voluntary.
3. That
said, many people who live outside-in may choose the wrong career path for themselves
and, as a result, they are miserable, and they perform poorly.
4. The
first career concept is the one followed by people who want to move up in an
organization and increase their power and status. These are the people who want
to be in charge and get other people to do things. We call this the Linear pattern or concept.[xi]
[xii]
5. The
core VABE of Linear people might be “I want to get other people to
do the work that I want to get done” or more simply, “I want to be in charge.”
6. The
second career concept is followed by
people who don’t want to get promoted and assume more responsibility, but would
rather do the same thing over and over again because they want to be known for
doing a great job, for being a craftsman, an expert. We call this the Expert career concept.
7. The
core VABE for an Expert type might be, “If you want it done right, do it
yourself.” You can see that this would be a dysfunctional VABE for a person in a
position of authority or leadership.
8. There
are lots of Experts in society. We see them in the so-called “white collar”
jobs—teachers, lawyers, doctors, and financial advisors.
9. We
see them in the so-called “blue collar” jobs—carpenters, masons, electricians,
soldiers, and secretaries.
10. Without
Experts, the Linears would have no one to
manage. Experts are the artisans in life.
11. The
third pattern shows a career path on which people are promoted for a while, and
then they give up power and status
periodically because they get bored and want to do something new. We call this
pattern the Spiral path.
12. When
Spirals get 80% of
the way to the top of an organization, they get bored,
and they want to go off and do something new and different. Perhaps go back to
school or change industries or change companies. And they are willing to give up
power and status to do that.
13. Linears
are different. When they are 80% of the way to the top, they redouble their
efforts to make it all the way.
14. The
core VABE of a Spiral person might be, “Success in life is continuously
learning new things” or “Learning is more important than controlling.”
15. The
final career concept describes people for whom work is not the focus of their
interest. These people will work as long as they have to to get enough money to go off and do what they
want to do. That might be sailing around the world, racing cars, climbing
mountains, or kayaking. Because these
people come and go from the workforce, we
call them Transitories.
16. The
core VABE for a Transitory might be, “I work so I can do what I really want to.”
17. Do
you see the difference among these different career paths, my child? They are based on fundamentally different values and
assumptions about the nature of work.
18. People
who make good career decisions, decisions that fit who they are, are self-aware of their natural internal career
concept. People who make poor career decisions tend to be less self-aware
and allow society, outside-in, to influence their job and
career choices.
19. And
society focuses on the Linear type. This is
the pattern that is touted in the media, in newspapers, on television, and in
business magazines.
20. Society
implies that the only valuable pattern is the Linear pattern. These are the
powerful, the rich, and the influential people.
21. I
have met, in fact virtually all of the people I have worked with or have met,
Experts who have been ruined by
promotion into management. The Experts took those jobs because they didn’t know
themselves well. They took those jobs because they were living too much
outside-in, and they let society
influence their Level Two thoughts about what success is. They took
those jobs because they wanted more money—and companies pay more money as
people are promoted.
22. But
bad career choices are bad for the person, bad for the company, and bad for the
person’s family.
23. You
will be happier if you know who you are and choose a career that fits who you
are.
24. You
should remember, too, that all of these career concepts make important
contributions to an organization.
25. Linear
types contribute ambition, drive, vision, organization, and strategy.
26. Expert
types contribute skill, expertise, craftsmanship, quality, and productivity.
27. Spiral
types contribute new ideas, creativity, innovation, and unconventional
thinking.
28. Many
people cannot see what value the mercenary
Transitories contribute. Be aware, though, that very few
companies or industries are in constant and continuous positive growth. Most
companies and industries expand and contract from time to time.
29. During
periods of contraction, companies go through repeated cycles of firing, laying
people off—which researchers have shown may save money in the short run but
produces anxiety, energy loss, productivity loss, and low morale thereafter.
30. So,
if companies intentionally hired some proportion of Transitories, when the downturns came, they would be more likely to
want to be let go so they could pursue their primary interests.
31. Do
not accept at face value the importance that society puts on the Linear type.
First, find out who you are. Are you a Linear, an Expert, a Spiral, or a
Transitory?
32. Then,
armed with that knowledge, test your career offers with your self-knowledge and
make your decisions accordingly. Don’t choose jobs that play to your
weaknesses. Choose jobs that play to your strengths.
33. And
remember, do your homework.
Whatever you choose, choose to do the best you can with everything you do.
That’s my VABE, and I hope it will be yours, too. Pride and confidence come
from doing your best and doing better the next time. Just “getting by” will
lead to a lifetime of mediocrity and lack of contribution. When you do just the
minimum required, you develop a habit of mediocrity.
Eleven
1. Every
decision you make, my child, about what to do with your time every day is
creating a balance in life. If you are not careful, your life can get out
of balance.[xiii]
2. By
“balance” I mean the development you wanted to occur on the various aspects of
life has happened.
3. There
are many aspects of life. They are there
whether we pay attention to them or not.[xiv]
4. There
is a physical aspect or side to life.
5. There
is a mental or intellectual aspect to
life.
6. There
is an emotional aspect to life.
7. There
is a spiritual aspect to life.
8. There
is a sexual aspect to life.
9. There
is a recreational aspect to life, a time to rest and refresh.
10. These
few we may call the personal sector.
11. There
is also a professional or career sector in life.
12. This includes the financial aspect.
13. There
is a material aspect to life. These are
the things we have accumulated, the clothes, the houses, the shoes, the cars,
the property we own.
14. There
is a networking or associational aspect to life. This sector reflects the size and depth of our professional
contacts and associations.
15. These
few we may call the professional sector.
16. There
is a social sector to life. This sector
revolves around those who are our friends.
17. Let
me ask you, my child: How many friends do you have with whom you can talk about
anything? Anything and it’s okay. You can say what you think, and they don’t judge you or reject you.
You can talk about money, religion, politics, sex, marriage, parenting,
anything, and it’s okay. How many such friends do you have?
18. Most
people will say (and I know because I have asked thousands of people this
question) two to four people only. A few will say ten. Many will say one or
none.
19. Think
about it. So few people know who we are, what we really think and believe. I hesitated to write this book, my child, because I expect that many people—millions,
perhaps even billions—will be angry about it and reject me. They may even try
to kill me because of what I believe and because of this, my song.
20. Remember,
this is why we live outside-in, conforming to other people’s
expectations, because of the fear of rejection. It takes courage to live
inside-out.
21. Think
about how many really good friends you have. And also about how good a friend you
are. Are you a good friend to others? Or do you judge and criticize?
22. In
addition to the social side of life, there is a familial side of life, your
relationship with your parents and siblings.
23. There
is a marital aspect of life, the quality of your relationship with your partner
or spouse.
24. There
is a parental side of life. When you have children, how will you parent?
25. These
few we may call the social sector.
26. There
is also a neighborhood aspect to life, that is, how you relate to your
neighbors. In Japanese culture, they have a saying, “Muko
sangen, ryo donari.” It means “the three houses across the street and my
two neighbors on both sides.” These define, in Japanese culture, one’s “neighborhood”—the
people one is expected to know and to have responsibility
for. It’s a cultural VABE.
27. There
is also an ecclesiastical side to life, the relationship you have to your church, synagogue, mosque, friends’ meeting, or other spiritual group.
28. There
is a societal aspect to life, how much you contribute to your society, to
charities, to non-profit organizations.
29. And
there is a political aspect to life, your involvement in the political process
in your country.
30. These
few we may call the societal sector.
31. All
of these sectors and their aspects are there, my child, whether you pay
attention to them or not. If you don’t pay attention to one aspect or another, it
will atrophy and decay. The ones you value you will spend time on and they will
tend to develop and become more robust.
32. Now,
consider a circle like a clock with each of these aspects laid out around it on the hours. Twelve o’clock might be your
physical side. One o’clock might be your intellectual or mental aspect. And so
on.
33. Then
consider your development on each dimension radiating from the center of the
clock on a scale from 0 to 10.
34. The
center of the clock represents a development level of 0, and the outer ring of
the clock represents a level of 10—“world-class” development. We can call this
our “balance wheel.”
35. A
newborn child has no development on any dimension, so his balance wheel is 0 on
all dimensions.
36. An
Olympic gold medalist or a world record holder would be a “10” on the physical
aspect.
37. The
president of a large industrialized nation would be a “10” on the professional
dimension. The president of a large company might be a “9” on the professional
aspect.
38. Isaac
Newton or Albert Einstein would be 10s on the
intellectual dimension.
39. Using
this balance wheel, my child, you could draw or chart your development as each
year goes by. You could then see and
check yourself to ensure that you were making the decisions you want to every
New Year.
40. At
age 20, will you have developed as you wanted to?
41. The
“want to” is important. A balanced life is not necessarily a balanced circle of development. Some people
might not be interested in the political aspect or the intellectual aspect or
any one of them.
42. So
the right “balance” for you, my child, is
what you want. Many if not most
people don’t think about this, so their lives drift.
Charting a Developmental
Balance Wheel
Source: author
43. You
could draw a dashed line on your balance wheel to show what you want in life.
44. Many
people cannot answer this, what seems like a simple, question, “What do you
want?” Do you want to be rich? Attractive? Smart? Powerful?
Famous? In control of your emotions? Saved in
the afterlife? What?
45. A
person who cannot answer this question is drifting, reacting to the outside
world.
46. If
you use this chart, each year as you assess your level of development from 0 to
10 on each dimension, you could see whether what you are doing matches what you
said you wanted.
47. Where
there are want-got gaps, you could
resolve to do better the next year and lay a strategy for how to do
that—whether it be making more friends, reading more books, enhancing
your job skills, or saving more money.
48. So
at 25 and 30 and 35 and 40 and 45 and 50 and 55 and 60 and 65, you could assess
your balance and decide, how if at all, you want to adjust it. Companies use
balance sheets and income statements to assess their progress. Using this tool,
you could do the same.
49. Remember,
every week that goes by, you allocate your 168 hours to one thing or another.
And every week that goes by is another block in the building that will become
your life. Pay attention and build the house you want rather than some shack
that others have defined.
50. You
might ask why not focus on every day? It is difficult, my child, to fit every
aspect of life into every day. Likewise, if you only exercised once a month or
hugged your partner once a month, this would not be enough. So the week is the basic building block of your
life. Life comes at you in 168-hour chunks. And every week, you allocate time
and energy to the various aspects of your life.
51. It’s
your life, and you can choose the balance
you want. If you don’t choose, you will drift, outside-in, responding to the
expectations of others.
Twelve
1. One
thing you will decide, my child, is how to take care of your body. You will
decide either consciously or by default.
2. Few
things are more rewarding in life than a healthy body. Few things are more
debilitating than an unhealthy body.
3. Your
body is amazingly complex and powerful. It can
do so many things. It can walk, climb, run, kick, write, speak, think,
and so on and so on. How can it do all those things?
4. Well,
your body had 270 bones at birth; by the time you reach
adulthood, some of these have fused together, so you end up with about 206
bones. You have 640 muscles to move those bones. Almost all of them work in
pairs, one pulling one way and one pulling the other way. So, you have 320
muscle pairs. [xv] [xvi]
5. Your
body is about 60% water. You need water. Lots of water to live.[xvii]
6. You
have 100 billion brain cells. About 50 billion fat cells. And 2
billion heart cells. All in all, your body has roughly 37 trillion cells! [xviii]
7. Your
body has 13 major systems: [xix]
8. An
integumentary system (skin, nails, exocrine glands),
9. A
skeletal system (your 206 bones),
10. A
nervous system (all the nerves, including your brain),
11. A
cardiovascular system (heart, arteries, veins, and capillaries),
12. An
endocrine system (produces chemicals that affect your body),
13. A
muscular system (the 320 muscle pairs that move your skeleton),
14. A
respiratory system (your lungs and the trachea or windpipe, which brings air
into your body),
15. A
urinary system (your kidneys and bladder, which clean your blood and produce
urine or pee),
16. A
lymphatic system (that carries lymph fluid around the body),
17. A
digestive system (the upper part of the alimentary canal and related glands,
which digests your food),
18. An
excretory system (the lower alimentary canal, including bowels, which eliminate
waste),
19. An
immune system (that fights disease for you),
20. And
a reproductive system (that allows you to create children).
21. These
systems work together to let you see, run, jump, walk, sleep, eat and drink,
breathe, play, work, avoid danger, be aware of injury,
and go where you want to.
22. Our
bodies are amazing organisms. And the body we have is the only one we will ever
have. We should take care of it as best we can.
Thirteen
1. A
major way that people destroy their health is by eating the wrong things. Some people have little
choice in what
they eat. In more prosperous countries, large numbers of people despite their
wealth, eat in ways that slowly kill them.
2. One
of the most important things you can do to care for your body, my child, is eat good food. Learn to eat the right foods,
my child. Make healthy eating a habit.
3. Learn
to eat things that are good for your body and not things that are bad for your
body.
4. Healthy
foods include fruits, vegetables, proteins (meats and fish), beans, nuts, and
whole grains.
5. Unhealthy
foods include sugars, white breads,
candy, ice cream, pancakes, white rice, and syrup. Eating small amounts of
these foods won’t kill you, my child, but if you eat lots of them, you will
become fat and unhealthy.
6. Moderation
is the key in your diet.[xx]
Being too thin is unhealthy. Being fat is unhealthy.
7. If
you eat properly and healthily, you will have a healthy body weight. If you eat
bad foods all the time, you will become overweight and unhealthy.
8. I
hope we have taught you this already. Gary learned, for example, when he was 60
years old, that his mother worked when he was a baby. She didn’t have time to
pay attention to him. So when Gary fussed, she would put a bottle in his mouth
and leave it there until the milk ran out his mouth. Gary’s tank was overflowing.
9. This discussion was a revelation to Gary,
because throughout his life when he was stressed, he would eat well past what he
needed. That pattern had been programmed into him before he even had memory.
And Gary has wrestled with that pattern his whole life.
10. Anciently,
our bodies wanted to eat as much as they could, since we didn’t know when we
would eat next. When we became farmers and food was
more certain, we continued to eat too much.
11. Obesity,
being too fat, is killing large numbers of people worldwide. Obesity leads to
heart problems, high blood pressure, and diabetes.[xxi]
12. Diabetes
is a disease in which your body cannot remove the extra sugar from your blood. Diabetes leads to poor circulation in your fingers and toes and
eventually can lead to the medical need to cut them off.
13. Everyone
needs to eat. Learn to eat healthy foods in healthy amounts. You will be much
happier if you do.
Fourteen
1. People
do many things to themselves that erode or even destroy their health.
2. One
is taking drugs. I hope you understand by now how important it
is for you not to take drugs. The natural highs that come from exercise are much more beneficial to you. Drugs will
destroy your life.
3. Drug
users talk about “riding the dragon.” By that,
they mean the momentary good feeling that comes from ingesting drugs. But they
also talk about “chasing the dragon.” That means after that first momentary high, your body wants more and more, and it can never quite get it, so people just keep buying more and more
drugs.[xxii]
4. Criminals
know this, so they try to get people hooked on drugs so they can sell to them.
They may give a person the first drug-free
to entice them. Then, when the person is hooked or addicted, they begin to
charge them more and more money for the drugs.
5. Drug
dealers are parasites on society. They destroy other people’s lives for their own wealth. They are evil bloodsuckers on society. They are net
extractors. They leave misery and broken lives in their wake.
6. Say
NO to drugs, my child. Have respect for your body and the wonderful things it can
do for you if you take care of it.
Fifteen
1. The
other main element in having a healthy body, my child, is exercise. You learned earlier that the
neural-neural and neural-muscular connections that we use get stronger, while the ones we don’t use atrophy—that is, grow weaker, and disappear.
2. If
you use your muscles, they will grow stronger. If you don’t use your muscles,
they will atrophy, and you will grow weaker.
3. There
are at least three aspects to a healthy body: endurance, strength, and
flexibility.
4. You
can build endurance in your body by walking, running, swimming, climbing,
rowing, doing martial arts, and doing any exercise that gets your heart pumping steadily over a
long period.
5. You
can build strength by lifting things, lifting your body weight, and flexing
your muscles as hard as you can for short periods.
6. You
can build flexibility by stretching. You can stretch your muscles in many ways;
yoga is one of them.
7. Most
children develop healthy bodies by playing games and sports. Soccer is a good
way to build endurance and leg strength.
8. The
martial arts also are a good way to learn all three elements of strength,
endurance, and flexibility. Taekwondo, for example, is highly aerobic and
builds strength and flexibility. Martial arts are also good for your brain, as learning the various
techniques and forms challenges your brain to make new connections.[xxiii]
[xxiv]
[xxv]
9. Maybe
you don’t like to exercise. Perhaps you prefer to sit
and read or play video games. Be careful. A healthy body will help you to have
a healthy mind. An unhealthy mind will affect your body.
10. Don’t
be a couch potato, my child. Learn to lead yourself by including strong
exercise in your
life, if not every day, at least five times a week for 30 minutes or more. If
nothing else, learn to take a 30-minute brisk walk every day.
11. Remember,
what you eat and how you exercise will affect how you feel every minute of every
day.
Sixteen
1. Now,
my child, here is another serious question: Does how you feel affect your performance?
2. What
do you think?
3. A
man I knew asked this question. Learning from him, I have asked it of people
all over the Earth. They all say yes.[xxvi]
4. If
a person says yes, then the next logical
step is to ask, “How do you want to
feel?”
5. I
was 48 when I first heard that question, and that night I couldn’t sleep. “How
do I want to feel? How do I want to feel?”
6. No
one had ever asked me that question, not my father, not my mother, none of my
teachers, none of my supervisors, no one. It was always, “What have you done today? Did you sweep the garage?
Did you wash the car? Did you do your homework? Did you take your exams?
Have you written any papers? Have you made any money?”
7. No
one ever asked how I wanted to feel.
Given that I had focused on what I did
for almost half a century, I found this to be a difficult question. It took me
18 months to answer that question.
8. I
ask you now, “How do you want to feel?” Begin to think about this.
9. “Happy”
is not good enough. It’s too vague, too general, too common. It does not
distinguish you from anyone. So, you need to be more descriptive than that.
Find one sentence, maybe three to ten words that describe how you want to feel.
Then you will know what you are working for
throughout your life.
10. Remember,
“happy” isn’t clear enough.
11. Besides,
social scientists have shown that people have a happiness set-point. What that means is that if a
person says they will be happier if they get this or that, research shows that
if they get it, six months later, they are no happier than they were before.
12. Likewise,
if a tragedy befalls a person, on average, six months later, people will be
just as happy as they were before.
13. This
happiness set-point
may be a function of our brain chemistry and perhaps also a function of how
we were treated when we were little.
14. In
either case, research has shown that our level of happiness becomes a habit.
15. I
believe that we can change our happiness set-point. We can choose our attitude. We can
decide to look on the bright side or look on the dark side. The more we
practice one or the other, the more it becomes a habit.
16. I
challenge you to find the one sentence that describes how you want to feel, how you have felt when you were at your absolute best.
For me, I discovered when I was 50, a half-century old, that when I feel light, unhurried, and engaged, I perform much
better. When I feel heavy, rushed, and disengaged,
my performance declines.
17. What
is it for you, my child? How do you want
to feel?
18. The
next question implied by the feel-performance link is, “How many times has your
boss ever asked how you wanted to feel?”
19. People
laugh. Almost no one has ever been able to recall even
one instance.
20. That
is because most managers hold a common VABE. That is, “Professionals will do
what they have to do regardless of how they feel.” [xxvii]
21. Managers
worldwide believe that when we grow up, we have to stop playing and do what
grown-ups do, go to work, work hard, take their pay, and show up the next
day—whether they want to or not. I have
come to believe that this VABE is a formula for mediocrity because it removes
the linkage between how people feel and their performance and because it
removes from consideration the whole domain of feelings.
22. A
man I knew studied over 500 people, all of them world-class performers in their
sport, in their business, in their profession, in their jobs.[xxviii]
23. In
this study, he found four common things they did.
24. First,
they focused on feel instead of
results—and when they re-created how they wanted to feel, their performance
skyrocketed. They, like others, had a dream, but their dream was an internal
dream focused on feel rather than an external dream focused on results.
25. Ironically,
by focusing on feel, they improved their results.
26. They
also put in enormous amounts of preparation. They practiced. They rehearsed.
They trained. They learned. They knew that to become really good at something,
they would have to practice—even if they had natural talent.
27. The
thing with practice is, though, that unless you enjoy doing the thing itself, you won’t have the persistence, the
stamina, the determination to stick with it until you get really, really good.
28. If
one focuses on feel, practice and rehearsal are
just as rewarding as performing.
29. The
third thing he discovered was that all of these world-class performers ran into
obstacles. They tried and failed. Failure can define a person, my child. Some
people give up. Some people get distracted.
30. Some
people become even more determined and push forward. These people have
confidence in their ability to learn and grow.
31. Most
people, when they fail, fall into an unproductive cycle. They say to
themselves, “I have to train harder!”
And when they do this, they put themselves into a mental state of obligation. And obligation drains energy.
32. “Having
to” is a weak motivation compared to “wanting to.”
33. What
these world-class performers did instead was “revisit their dream.”
34. Instead
of saying, “I have to try harder,” they reflected on their original dream, how
they wanted to feel. And they thought about what it took to get that feeling.
They wanted to train to get that
feeling. They chose to work hard to
get it.
35. That
feeling was what that man called “resonance.” Others have called it “flow”[xxix]
or “the zone.”
36. These
people identified how they felt when they were performing at their best; they wanted more of that, and they chose
to work hard to get it. When they failed, they focused on how they wanted to
feel rather than on what they “had” to do.
37. So,
here are four questions for you, my child, four more that will also shape your
life.[xxx]
38. How do you want to feel?
39. What does it take to get that feeling?
40. What keeps you from that feeling?
41. And, if you’ve lost it, what would it take
to get it back?
42. Everyone
wants to feel this thing, this seamless harmony with the world around us in
which we perform at our absolute best.
43. But
BEWARE, my child, of false flow. Some people, many people, mistake counterfeits
for true resonance, counterfeits that give a momentary pleasure but do not
require any investment of effort and offer no growth in capability.
44. These
counterfeits include drugs, alcohol, tobacco, casual sex, and thrill-seeking rides. In
all of these, one invests no energy except ingesting,
and one gets nothing in return but a momentary pleasure followed by emptiness
and pain. It takes no skill to jump off a bridge with a bungee cord or ride a
roller coaster.
45. True
flow, true resonance, true zone, my child consists of this:[xxxi]
46. Time
seems to warp. Time either slows down so that
everything seems like it is happening in slow motion, or it speeds up
until one spends hours or weeks engaged, but it seems like only minutes have
passed.
47. This is because one loses a sense of self. We
are no longer concerned about the fear of rejection,
rather we simply become completely immersed in the activity at hand.
48. We immerse because of intense focus.
49. We
perform at our highest level, and yet…
50. …It
seems effortless as if our performance is
just flowing out of us.
51. It
feels good, it is internally satisfying, and…
52. When
it’s over, one regains a larger sense of self, as if one has grown. One feels
more capable, more competent, and more able to deal with the world.
53. The
counterfeits do not bring any of that except the “feel good” and even that only
for a moment.
54. Here,
my child, is one great purpose in life.
55. Can you, before you die, discover how you
want to feel?
56. Can
you prepare yourself to experience that on a regular basis?
57. When
you experience it, are you smart enough to know that there is nothing better in
life, that this is the pinnacle of your existence?
58. And
can you learn to help others find their
resonance?
59. If
you could do those four things, imagine what you could accomplish!
Seventeen
1. Now
my child, have you decided the purpose of your life yet? Can you figure this out before you die?
2. Some
people say that “fate” or “god” will
reveal their purpose in life to them. These people are floating, waiting,
living outside-in, for some “sign” to tell them
what to do.
3. Other
people will say the purpose of every human is to worship god.
4. I
cannot imagine a god who is so
narcissistic that he/she would demand to be worshiped
from moment to moment. This sounds to me
more like many humans behave, seeking to be respected and revered.
5. If
there is no god, you cannot wait for god to tell you what your purpose in life is.
6. My
invitation to you, my child, is to create your own
purpose in life. And to do so in the
framework of a personal charter.[xxxii]
7. A
charter has six elements: purpose or
mission, vision, values, strategy, short-term goals, and finally, somebody
who decides those things.
8. Some
will say, “What difference does it make if there is no afterlife? Why should I
try to figure those things out?”[xxxiii]
9. My
answer is that you don’t have to; it is your life,
and you can make of it what you want. Isaac Newton made huge contributions to the world with science and mathematics. Apparently, his purpose in
life was to understand the world around him. And millions of people have
benefitted from his work.
10. Some
people choose to doctor or nurse others in their health. Their purpose might be “to help
people live in good health.” What a wonderful purpose in
life that is.
11. Some
people choose to build buildings or homes. Their purpose might be “to build
comfortable places to live.” What a wonderful purpose in life that is.
12. Some
people choose to build trains and ships and cars and airplanes and thereby
contribute to the world’s ability to move around. Their purpose might be “to
help people move comfortably.” What a wonderful purpose in life that is.
13. Some
people choose just to make as much money
as they can. Unless they choose to do something useful with their wealth, we
can think of them as net extractors. Buying more and larger homes in which only
one or two people live is not contributing to the world around us.
14. Some
people choose to make and serve food to others. Their purpose in life might be
“to give people something to eat.” What a wonderful and worthy purpose this is.
15. Some
people choose to sell drugs to others. This is
an extraction. They sell misery for their own wealth and comfort. They should be removed from society.
16. You
will have only about 650,000 hours to live—if you are fortunate. Your life may
be shorter. Who can tell? Every year, you spend 8,760 hours of your life. Every
week, you spend 168 hours of your life.
17. Only
you can decide what you want to do with that time. I invite you to do something
valuable to both society and you.
18. Can
you, my child, figure out your purpose in life before you die?
19. Mine
has been “to help people find themselves.” My
purpose in life arises in part because I have had three last names in my
life and I often wonder about who I might have been if I had kept one or the
other of the first two. In the end, I am Only One Man. And soon, like all the
rest, I will be gone and forgotten.
20. In
the meantime, however, I can choose what to do with my life, what I want my
purpose to be. I have chosen something that I believe is of benefit to many
others as well as satisfying to me. I deeply enjoy helping other people figure
out who they are and who they want to be.
21. This thought is in part why I chose to write
this book, my child, to help you find yourself in a world that is competing for
your identity. People want you to join their causes, to contribute your time,
your energy, your money, your friends, your references.
22. Be
cautious, my child. Make sure that the purpose you choose for your life
resonates with you and touches your deepest VABEs.
23. If
you can declare your purpose in life, the next step is to create a vision of what you want to be. While your
purpose will be only one sentence long, your vision statement will be many
pages because this question invites you to define what you want to look like in
20 or 40 years on all the dimensions we discussed in the balance wheel chapter.
24. What
do you want to look like in 40 or 60 years?
25. When
you are 65, how much money do you want to have?
26. When
you are 65, what career do you want to have had?
27. When
you are 65, what do you want your family to look
like?
28. Your
marriage?
29. Your
house?
30. If
you go to every dimension of the balance wheel
and create a vision of who you want to be at age 65, you
will have created a target for your life’s work. You will have direction rather
than drift.
31. When
you have a vision of your future, then the third question is, “What do you
stand for?” What will you do and what will you not do? What are your core VABEs about the kind of person you want to be? What
are your five to ten most important values?
32. The
fourth question for you is, “What’s your strategy for achieving your vision?” The strategy section will likely be the longest
section of this, the charter exercise. That’s because you will need
a physical strategy, a financial strategy, an intellectual strategy, and so
forth for all of the elements of the balance wheel. If you have no strategy for
these, again, you will drift.
33. The
fifth question is, “How will you know if you are making progress toward your
vision?” This question invites you to decide what you will measure throughout
your life.
34. Will
you measure your weight? The number of children you have? Your net worth? How
many people report to you? The number of awards you were given? What will be the measures of your success along the way toward your vision? If your
vision is stable, these measures should also be stable.
35. Finally,
my child, consider this. If you don’t make these decisions, who will?
36. If
you don’t make these decisions, how will you find direction in life?
37. Some
people rely on their religions to tell them how to manage their lives. They are
living outside-in.
38. Some
people don’t like to plan. They say, “I’ll just do the right thing when I come
to it.” Maybe they will; maybe they
won’t. They are drifting on the currents of life waiting for others to push
them one way or another.
39. I
invite you to consider seriously how you
want to manage your life. Do you want to drift? Do you plan just to wait and see? Or do you want to create the life you want?
40. Of
course, if you don’t know what you want, that’s a problem. But who can decide
this, if not you?
Eighteen
1. My
child, one major goal in life is to become your own
person. This is not as easy as it may sound. It may not happen naturally or
in the course of time. [xxxiv]
2. I
invite you to take control of your life and make of it what you want. Do you
want to be a net extractor or a net contributor? Do you want to tear down or
build up? Do you want to destroy or create?
3. Whatever
you choose, you have some fundamental resources to help you. You have your
body. You have your mind. You have some time. You have some energy. And you
have choice.
It’s your life; you can decide.[xxxv]
4. I
encourage you to take care of your body, to build your mind, to use your time
wisely, and to nurture and enhance your energy. You can choose to do all of
those things.
5. Your
neighborhood or your region or your country may not support this. Your family
may not support this. You may be struggling to find clean water, healthy food,
and a place to live.
6. Whatever
life has laid before you, given where you were born and what your parents did
or did not do for you when you were little, you can decide.
7. You
can fight to make the life you want or give in.
8. By
fight, I don’t mean to kill others—unless this is
required for freedom. By fight, I mean to resist
the forces that try to make you conform to their expectations and conditions.
Be strong, my child, and rise above the genetic and memetic “gifts” life has
given you.
[vi]
Mintzberg, Henry, and Jonathan Gosling, “The Five Minds of a Manager,”
Harvard Business Review, November 2003.
[xiv]
Clawson, James G.S., “Balancing Your Life,” OB-0323, Darden Business
Publishing, 1990.
[xx]
Delaney et all (2007)
[xxvi]
Clawson, James G. S., and Douglas S. Newberg,
Powered by Feel: How Individuals, Teams and Companies Excel, World
Scientific, Singapore, 2008.
[xxvii]
Clawson,
Level Three Leadership, op cit.
[xxviii]
Newburg (2009) Clawson (2011) Clawson and Newburg (2008)
[xxix]
Csikszentmihalyi (2008)
[xxx]
Clawson,
Level Three Leadership, op cit.
[xxxi]
Csikszentmihalyi (2008)
[xxxiii]
Alexander (2012) argues that there IS an afterlife.
An MD’s account of his near-death experience.
