What Social Skills Should I Learn?

If only we all could/would!  

1. Respect the rights and views of others. Don’t abuse other people. (One of our Family Principles. Personal Web - James G. Clawson
2. Listen without judgment. Recognize your own VABEs and that the VABE “I’m better than you.” is destructive to relationships. (VABEs are Values, Assumptions, Beliefs and Expectations about the way the world is or should be.)
3. Eliminate your “buts.” “I agree with everything you say, but …” is a little lie. Replace your buts with “ands.”
4. Don’t disguise your opinions as questions. “Don’t you think that ….” puts people on the defensive and shifts responsibility for your views. OWN your opinions. “I believe….”
5. Avoid the stative verbs. “This IS the way things are.” Really? That’s your opinion. Avoid making factoid statements, opinions presented as facts. (See Albert Ellis, A Guide to Rational Living. )
6. Don’t discount your own opinion. “This maybe stupid but….” rather → “I believe…” Own your opinions.
7. Avoid the 2nd person. “You have a problem.” creates defensiveness. In reality, a problem is a Want-Got Gap for Someone. Someone is not getting What they Want. When I say, “you have a problem” in reality “I have a problem: you aren’t behaving the way I think you should.” OWN your own problems.
8. Respect the Commons. You can do as you wish in your own bubble. In the social world, we all have a responsibility to respect our common air, water, soil, flora, fauna and the underprivileged. Don’t litter—and in fact, pick up trash. Recycle. Spread smiles and cheerfulness instead of drama and vitriol. Be a jerk at home. Be a citizen in public.
9. Focus on how we are SIMILAR as humans and UNIQUE as individuals and DOWNPLAY the intermediate tribal differences of color, ethnicity, religion and culture. Focusing on the differences creates conflict. Focusing on our commonalities creates bonds.
10. Don’t lie to yourself or others. Lying repeatedly will put you in a fantasy world unable to deal with reality.
11. Build your Self-Esteem mostly on your Self-Image and only partially on the opinions of others. Let feedback be informative but not paralyzing. Don’t expect to be “perfect” (whatever that is), rather be kind to yourself as you learn. If you have OCD, manage it. Self-Esteem is a result of the gap between your Ideal Self (what you want) and your Self-Image (how you see yourself). Be kind to yourself.
12. Learn to learn. Love discovery. Seek knowledge. Seek to know how things really are—not just how others tell you they are.