What is the path to a peaceful mind?

What is the path to a peaceful mind?

Buddhists will say the path to a peaceful mind is to remove desire from your life—if you want nothing, you will not be disappointed. Lawrence and Nohria (Driven) argue that homo sapiens have four basic drives: to acquire, to protect what you have acquired, to procreate and to create. In my experience and education, peace of mind comes from reducing the degree to which the judgments of others (living outside-in) shape your self-esteem. At the same time, the degree to which you expect to be perfect (an extreme ideal self) will erode your self-esteem—you can expect too much of yourself. Many people use an achievement orientation as a measure of self-esteem/worth. 

Accomplishments will not ensure peace of mind. When your Ideal Self (what you expect of yourself) and your Self Image (how you see yourself in comparison with your Ideal Self) match—that is, there’s little to no gap between them, you are likely to have high Self-Esteem. This doesn’t mean sitting around doing nothing—do not misinterpret. Czikszentmihalyi points out that people who set reasonable goals and work to achieve them are likely to find flow. Newburg’s version of that, resonance, depends on knowing how you want to feel and living in a way to recreate that feeling. Most people focus on external achievements even in “love.” 

Do you know how you want to feel? When I first heard that question, I was flummoxed—no one had ever asked me that—only what have you done? If you can figure out how you want to feel before you die, and then learn to live in a way that maximizes that (probably not daily), you are likely to be at peace. If you like yourself, you are likely to be at peace. If you have clinical depression, medications and behavioral counseling will help you achieve peace. If you are in the process of creating something, you are more likely to be at peace. If you have created your own purpose in life, you are more likely to be at peace. 

That’s living inside-out rather than outside-in. If you have been abused, and can deeply understand that this was not you, rather something that was done to you by others, you can move toward peace. Money is no guarantee of peace of mind. The unconditional love of another is a great boost to peace of mind, but no guarantee. My wife is the most unconditionally loving person I’ve ever met—she knows everything about me, no secrets, and she still loves me. Go figure. No one has or did: not my parents, not my clergy, not the god I was taught about, not my teachers, supervisors, advisors, professors—their approval always depended on what I did. Susan accepts—and adores—me for who I am. Amazing.

Peace of mind? If you have irregular brain chemistry, the odds are lower. If you focus on external accomplishments, the odds are lower. If you like yourself, enjoy creating and growing, live for today and not the next life, do not rely on the judgments of others for your self-esteem, and are able to live in a way that you focus on how you feel, the odds are higher. Short-term “highs” from alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. are counterfeits—they make you feel worse afterwards. True peace of mind comes from creating your place in the world and judging yourself by your own standards. I would add, that morally, people who are net contributors rather than net extractors (from society) are more likely to have peace of mind.

Best wishes. You also might find some peace in my book, A Song of Humanity: a science-based alternative to the world’s scriptures. In my experience, believing in things that are not true or real creates a false sense of security—true peace of mind comes from understanding the way things are. Ironically, the truth shall indeed set you free. The truth about who you are, how you want to feel, and the world around you