I read Spare by former Prince Harry Windsor. Some friends have asked me "Why?" Well, I was curious. What's all the hoopla about? Like millions, I was entranced by his mother. While I have not followed the Harry press closely, I was vaguely aware of some of the headlines and wanted to know his perspective. I'm glad I did. Here are some of my reactions to the book.
1. I greatly admire his candor. I have found honest, truthful conversations very rare in life and jewels to be valued. The only other writer I've found to be so candid and transparent is Bill Torbert from Boston College. Harry described things I never would have anticipated. The ermine merkin story (and others) shocked average Joe, non-royal me. Can't believe he did that.
2. Having had three last names myself, I resonated and was sympathetic with his struggles to find himself, to discover or create his own identity. Most people worldwide simply replicate their parents' genes and VABEs and pass them on to the next generation. VABEs = the semi-conscious Values, Assumptions, Beliefs and Expectations we all have about the way the world IS or SHOULD be. Csikszentmihalyi implied (The Evolving Self) and I agree that the most important question in life is "Will you ever be anything more than a vessel transmitting the genes and VABEs of previous generations on to the next?" The persistence of the regionality of the world's great religions and of the local conflicts (pick your part of the globe) are ample evidence for this assertion.
3. Having worked there and gone on photo safari (MalaMala), I nodded with his descriptions of Africa and its wildlife. I've been charged by a leopard, warned sternly about staying away from the edge of the crocodile infested rivers, seen black and white rhinos up close, told to walk with my head up scanning for danger, told about the various venomous snakes, and sat around campfires listening to guide and guards tell stories. I felt that death was always just around the corner in Africa.
4. Like Harry, I struggled to find the right mate/companion and didn't marry until "later" in life, age 30. Trying to find the right partner for some seems so easy; for others, not so.
5. I also have felt betrayed by family members, used, manipulated, and lied to. And observed the same in my wife's family. The difference between a family's presentation to the world and its internal dynamics was for me, also, large and disturbing. The hypocrisy impedes and grates on one's attempts to find one's self in the world. Who am I? Am I like them? I often struggled to ensure I did not repeat my parents' deceptions and behavior. Harry stressed on this throughout his memoir.
6. I did not resonate with Harry's constant partying and use of alcohol and various recreational drugs and in the end, his lying about that. My father was an abusive alcoholic which I only understood after learning about his father (who drunken would beat him with a carpenter's hammer), and his grandfather and great-grandfather, all alcoholics. I worked hard to break that chain (despite Fleetwood Mac's assertion). By his own account, Harry was a party animal and hard drinker. That all seemed self-destructive to me. Plus, as I mentioned above about candor, I loathe lying, cheating and stealing. Harry would likely argue that he does too, and that there are times when one must lie out of self-preservation. Even to one's self.
7. By the end, I wished he'd been aware of and mentioned the impact of brain chemistry on human behavior. There are some 300+ hormones in the human brain and a little too much or too little of one or the other can have a big impact on one's behavior. Harry's style and memories seemed to me indicative of ADD and/or ADHD. He mentions and alludes to his difficulty in focusing and then hyper-focusing at other times--both features of ADD and ADHD. As was his nervous behavior.
8. I've met other people who have a hard time getting over someone's death. Our neighbors lost a child and built a shrine to her in their house--which overshadowed the nurturing and care for their remaining child. Perhaps the biggest thread/theme running through Spare is his difficulty in dealing with and accepting his mother's death. He said he couldn't accept it, let go of it, and move on. His difficulty in dealing with Diana's passing, his inability to cry/grieve, and his ways of disguising that sadness run all through the story.
9. Narcissistic entitlement and its companion pseudomutuality pop up repeatedly in the manuscript. Those who live with narcissicists especially while young often have difficulty seeing the ways the narcissist controls and shapes them. Aristocracies and monarchies by definition have narcissistic tendencies--we are special, we are different, we are better, we are above others. After generations, centuries of competing for power, influence, wealth, and fame, aristocratic families often have a relatively unexamined sense of self-importance--as if it were natural and the way things are and should be. More VABEs. Harry's experience with his family included multiple examples of apparent competition for attention, power, wealth and popular acceptance. Something he mentioned plagued his mother's work in the royal institution. The mistrust and manipulation that narcissism created in the royal staff grated on Harry for much of his life.
10. One of the ironies I noticed was Harry's justified anger at the "paps," the paparazzi, who more than hounded, destroyed his life (and his mother's) compared with his fascination with meeting Batman (Pattinson?) at a party and begging him again and again to do the voice. Hounded became the hound there. And his disgust at the grammar/writing style of some of the "paps" seemed adolescent to me. Plus he used a ghost writer here. The structure of the book seemed to be edited recordings of conversations; some chapters were short memories of incidents moderately related to a chronological flow. Harry admits his memory for times and places is sketchy--and that's obvious in the chapter breaks.
11. Another irony was Harry's obvious love of nature and its flora and fauna compared with the multiple times enjoyed hunting mammals and birds. The birds especially, dozens and dozens shot after "drives" all the while shooting while someone else loaded their shotguns. Coming from rural Idaho and growing up hunting and fishing, I understand the model, culling, and the need for "balance" in nature. "A day of shooting" in the aristocracy was/is brutal and the worst side of humanity -- to me.
12. I admired Harry's decision to go into the military, a noble and important side of life and one it seemed he needed. Finally he found something he could engage fully (except when it required extensive book learning) and with his whole self. Ultimately his service also became weaponized by the media and his enemies in the field.
13. As an only child until I was 15 (step-sister arrived), I couldn't relate to Harry and William's sibling rivalry. That relationship was both devoted and betrayed, sacred and ignored, up and down, and ultimately scarred apparently beyond repair. Perhaps you like me have been betrayed by close friends, teachers, family members or close friends. If so, you'll find overlapping emotions here. Family relationships are complex. And in this case, (now King) Charles controlled the annual incomes of both boys. Imagine how that would play out, especially if one wanted to do anything differently.
14. Several times Harry described his guilty feelings if he were unhappy about something because he was aware of how most people had it far worse. That said, we can all agree that no matter what circumstance one is raised in, that circumstance is one's "normal" so problems are real to the person. Pressured by the "paps", Harry might need some space/distance. Few of us could do that by going to Africa or the Caribbean or the Mediterranean for the weekend.
15. I admired that in Harry's search for purpose in life he settled on support for disabled veterans--for whom he organized the Invictus Games and with whom he traveled (almost) to the North and South Poles.
16. The chapter when he met Meghan was hypnotically romantic. He was totally thrown the first time he saw her in a video. They had the kind of dating romance that most of us would love to have/have had. Fairy tale indeed that.
17. And then just as with Diana's deviations from "standard practice" (backless gowns, shorter gowns, casual dress, a JOB of all things, bending down to greet people, hugging fly-covered children, etc) Meghan's behavior, despite her enormous efforts to learn and fit in, was trashed in the media--apparently with considerable help from royal staffers. Inappropriate dress. Being mean to staffers. etc. And her family background, surprisingly amidst the diverse Commonwealth nations and cultures that define modern Britain, raised big problems in the media and even among Harry's immediate family.
18. A part of me wanted Harry to "grow up" sooner in the sense of choosing an identity and going with it AND I can't say that I did at his age or that his behavior was bewildering given his family setting. As my wife often says, "there's always a reason." I found myself saying "Get over it!" and then in the back of my mind, "Could I?" The book caused lots of introspection / reflection like that for me.
19. Harry also had the audacity to recognize the imperialist nature of British history and the creation of the Commonwealth of nations and the cruelty and subjugation that went along with it. Brave thing to do--and not well received.
20. Eventually Harry tried psychological therapy (a second time) and began to make some progress. I've done the same and could relate to the mixed feelings about "will this help?" "does this person know anything?" "why am I feeling so raw?" "am I understanding my situation/self better?"
In the end, I felt sorry for Harry and Meghan given the horror they lived among the paparazzi and a seemingly uncaring and unsupportive family. Was that what he wanted? He says he wanted his Pa and Brother to understand why they left. And I suppose to find a way in part to support himself.
There were many things about him that I admired and some that I did not. I came out even less a fan of Charles, William and aristocratic monarchies. I can see how the latter developed over the centuries. And how the former developed in their early years. Not a fan of how that turned out. And yet, who am I to day? I haven't lived in that world, haven't walked a mile in their shoes. I'm glad I read the book and that Harry was (relatively) honest in it.
