At some point, we all come into relationships or conversations with difficult people--as we see them. This may be a partner, a colleague, a subordinate, a boss. If you see any value in the Other and/or the relationship, then IMO they and YOU deserve a chance to change. The odds that a person will change are low—in my seminars, executives worldwide estimate that we are 75%, 85%, and 99% creatures of habit at Levels 1, 2, and 3. (See www.nadobimakoba.com) IMO IME I would want to have a Level Three Conversation with this person. This will require some skill and genuine interest on your part--and the belief that part of the problem may be you. A "Level Three Conversation" means:
- Clarifying the Other’s VABEs. The goal of this conversation is to reach an understanding of what the Other’s VABEs with regard to work/the issue/promotion are. It will take some skill and care to conduct this conversation. A bare bones example might be, ”X, may I ask what your Expectations in this company/relationship are? What are your Beliefs about what it takes to be an effective leader/friend/partner? What are your Assumptions about what will happen in your career/our relationship?" Write those down. Put them on paper for both to see. Be careful not to be accusatory, just inquiring. Use active listening. Be patient.
- Exploring the functionality of the Other’s VABEs and yours. That might be something like, “X, my observations are that your (anger, condescension, disregard, anger, dictatorial approach, dour attitude, whatever it is) will inhibit your ability to succeed in a next level job/this relationship. In fact, it is hurting your current performance. We may disagree on this and assessing the goodness of fit between candidates and job demands is part of my job. I invite you to change Y. I want you to change Y. I invite you to change Y. This may require some training or counseling. Are you willing to do this? I believe it will enhance your future and your chances of succeeding.” Be very clear on your Expectations. Make it an invitation not a threat. Be clear on what you want.
- Set a private probationary time period. IF Other says “”okay I will,” how long can you wait to see progress? Can your department company team wait six months? One year? More urgent? You decide up front how long you can afford to “wait and see.” This is very important. How long can you wait? Toxic people can ruin a team/department/organization if you wait too long. If Other says "No, I won't," then you have to decide whether to tolerate Y and continue or end the relationship.
- Decide next step. By the end of the probationary period, IF Other is changing, carry on. IF Other is not changing conclude either Other’s Change Quotient (CQ) is low OR your ability to stimulate change is low and make a unilateral decision about the person’s career. Beware of postponing and postponing--that just makes things worse. Stick to your own timeline to yourself.
- Review your Hiring Practices. Skill is easier to teach/change than attitude. Be sure you are hiring for goodness of fit with the organization’s culture (set of shared VABEs) and not just a warm body with a certain set of technical skills. Geniuses with bad attitudes can ruin a company. You don’t want to be in a system that allows this situation to occur again and again. Same is true in personal relationships.
Most people avoid Level Three conversations. There is the question of "if they knew what I really believe (VABEs) would they reject me?" Most people live more "outside-in" than "inside-out" in order to maintain a superficial peace and ability to cooperate. Be careful of how quickly you judge.
See Albert Ellis "A Guide to Rational Living," Daniel Kahneman "Fast Thinking, Slow Thinking," Malcolm Gladwell "Blink" and my book "Level Three Leadership" and my website shown above.
